If home is where the heart is, then on July 24th my home became the NICU. My everyday was there, beside you, reading to you while you slept, skin to skinning every opportunity I had, talking to nurses about your progress, sending daddy pictures and updates to make his work day just a little sweeter, crying because you overwhelmed me with love, crying because I felt bad that you weren't home with me where you should've been, crying cause you were alive and well, sleeping beside you because I was so dang tired from pumping throughout the night, and throughout the day so that you were never lacking for milk. All day, everyday, I was there. The nurses encouraged me to go home and sleep because they told me that I wouldn't sleep a wink in your room with you. They were right and I took their advice.
During your 56 day stay at the NICU you were hooked up to monitors that told us your heart rate and oxygen levels at all times. If there was ever a dip...and there were many, the monitor immediately told us. Sometimes the dip was quick and you came back by yourself. Other times, especially when we were teaching you to drink from a bottle, you needed a little bit of stimulation from mama or your nurse. We would rub your back and move you around to get your heart rate back up.
The first few weeks of your life, you had caffeine going into your system to help keep your heart rate where it should be. You had a little bit of extra oxygen (though you were breathing on your own), an IV, and a feeding tube that went through your little button nose. Mercy. You were SO tiny. I was afraid to touch you. Your little body looked so frail but so cute. the cutest. When we skinned to skinned you often had the hiccups and made a clicking noise with your lips. you always nestled up on mama and slept until your nurse came in for care times - you always cried when they took you off of me. i nearly did too.
Your nurses were amazing. They thoroughly updated me, encouraged me that you were far more resilient than you looked and made me do things when I was too afraid to do them. They gave me the push I needed. Making me more confident in them, and at the same time, more confident in myself.
Your daddy changed your first diaper! I sat and watched as daddy's big hands maneuvered through the two arm holes in your little warm giraffe bed (temperature controlled to keep your body as warm as it needed to be since you couldn't regulate your own temperature) and gently...cautiously, worked to change you. Your dad, he's a brave one, you see. :)
You had minor setbacks in the NICU, your weight loss, though normal, scared me. Because you started off at 3 lbs 3 oz, when you dipped into the lower 2's....it broke my heart. You plateaued for a bit, and then, you started to gain. An answered prayer. PRAISE GOD! Your white blood cell count was high for a few weeks and we couldn't figure out why. We prayed. The issue cleared up on it's own. Another prayer answered. You had a jaundice and looked like you were tanning in tanning bed on and off for weeks. On those days we couldn't skin to skin, so I'd sit and read to you, sleep near you and dreamily stare at you for hours. There were so many people praying for you, people you've never met. People you may never meet. but they prayed and the Lord was kind and answered their prayers-- our prayers. You quickly started improving.
One of your nurses, Coleen, told me that you were regulating your temperature like a baby older than you and that soon you would be out of the Giraffe, into a lower level bed. Shortly after, you were. You tolerated your feeds well and we soon started giving you bottles. Progress was slow with feeds. We had to find a bottle that worked best for you. You had to learn to coordinate breathing and swallowing. Your physical therapist came in and worked with me and the nurses to find what feeding position worked best for you, how to pace your feed best and to answer any questions I had.
The scariest, most dreadful sound in your room was the sound of the monitor alarm when your heart rate and oxygen dropped. Sometimes randomly, sometimes because of a feed, sometimes because you were very tired And each time it sounded my heart sank, it broke, it made knots in my stomach. It happened almost every day. Sometimes, a few times a day. Daddy dreaded the alarm as well. I understood why the nurses told us to sleep at home. It was because any sound your monitor made got our hearts racing and gave us no rest. We were thankful for the sleep we got.
Well, I sort of slept. I had to wake up every three hours to pump, store the milk, and clean everything for the next pump session. When I spent my days in your room, I tried to nap but stayed awake most of the time, partially because of that monitor and the constant nurse vists, but mostly because I wanted to see you. You were so sweet to look at. SO beautiful. It was something every nurse said as soon as they saw you. They told me you were beautiful and they weren't just saying it. I knew it to be true but I loved to hear it.
Mama didn't take the best care of herself while you were in the NICU. Because I spent most of my time in your room with you, skin to skinning as much as possible because it was best for you, I didn't eat as much or as often as I should've. If I missed a skin to skin session opportunity I felt intense guilt for not being able to give you that which you needed most. The nurses encouraged skin to skin between care times. That meant, every three hours, you got a diaper change, blood pressure and your temperature checked. They wanted me to be there for that as often as I could. I also had to pump before holding you AND eat in a very short amount of time to be able to hold you until your next care time. Sometimes, I just couldn't find the balance. I ate the same hospital cafeteria food for so long that I began to get tired of it. Thankfully, grandma and grandpa often came to visit with good food, and usually ice-cream or dessert as well. How thankful I am for them, who loved us so well when we needed it most. I lost a lot of weight during this time. The pumping, the exhaustion, the not eating enough. It wasn't good. Daddy really began to encourage me to eat as much as I could and asked me throughout the day what I had eaten, as if to remind me without reminding me.
I remember the day I walked into your room and found you in a totally open bed. August 17th. Bundled as can be but in normal room temperature! I gasped a LOUD gasp and ran into the hallway to get your dad. I was so excited and so in shock to see you laying in there. You'd finally graduated, to a real baby bed environment and I was full of joy to see that you were doing so well-- they thought you were ready and you were! The nurse told me that if you couldn't handle it you could go back into your warm little closed nook, but you did handle it. You were a fighter from the day you were born, little one.
The requirements for to come home were: gain weight, be able to sleep in room temperature, to take all of your feeds by bottle and no more spells.
You were gaining weight.
You were sleeping in an open crib.
And now our main focus would be your feeds.
The spells would lessen, with time and patience.
On August 30th, my mom came to visit with your auntie Andreea and uncle Alex. On August 30th we walked into your room and your feeding tube had been removed. All of your feeds would be bottle feeds from this point on! Later on this day you would also take your very first bath. Things were happening baby girl! big things!
During our stay in the NICU, the Lord was continuing to do the work He started in me. This season was molding me a little more, shaping me. Painfully and slowly but it was happening. I had no choice but to trust in the Lord more and more as I saw how little control I had. I had to trust the Lord with the nurses who were caring for you when I was not there. Trust that your heart rate would come back up during a spell, and that mine would start beating again each time it froze in fear at the sound of that alarm. I had to take care of my body, the temple that He dwells in. I had to confess my weakness, my fear, my anxiety. My pride. I had to confess time and time again that I worried because I thought I could control things better. That I knew better. I had to go before the grace throne and ask for peace and comfort when I wanted to have you home with me and couldn't. I saw the Lord's sovereign hand. I saw prayers answered. Slowly getting molded. Painfully. Falling short and getting picked up again by His abundant grace and you, your name, reminded me of His mercies anew. What a beautiful thing...to be reminded of His mercy poured out on me, on us, every time I looked at you.
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." - Lamentations 3:22-24
September 17th - You came home!
What a beautiful reminder of Gods grace!
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