your story - in my belly

Dearest Mercy, 

I've been wondering how to start this letter, and as I sit and watch you in your sweet slumber, I will start at the very beginning of you. On January 21, 2014 (exactly one month after daddy and I got married) I found out that I was pregnant. We were so happy that our love so very quickly spilled over and that your life was now growing in my belly. The Bible says "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3." What a reward! Our very own baby, conceived out of love in a God glorifying marriage--half daddy/half mama. Not long after finding out about your growing little self, I started feeling pretty  very sick . Daddy was such a trooper bringing me whatever foods I was craving and always telling me that I was doing a great job, that the nausea would pass & was all worth it when I got really sick. Though my nausea lasted long into my second trimester, when it finally passed it was wonderful. I was SO excited to be a pregnant lady and wear my belly proudly. As my belly grew, you grew and your soft movements that only felt like flutters became strong elbows&kicks that I could see and feel-- Oh, how I loved every second of it. One thing that I will always remember is how your sweet little hiccups felt like tiny pokes (and you had the hiccups ever so much!) 

We didn't know if you were a boy of a girl, but we immediately started planning in the ways that we could. Our plans were in things we thought we had  control over. 
-I would have a natural birth.
-No epidural.
-You would be breastfed.
-There would be a baby shower in New York and one in Rhode Island so that families and friends from both places could make it. 
-After you were born we would let ourselves get pregnant again as soon as it would naturally happen so that you could have brothers and sisters in abundance! 
...and those things would all happen as planned because they should, right? Wrong. SO v e r y w r o n g. Psalm 16:9 says that we plan our ways but the Lord directs our steps, and baby girl, the Lord had other plans for us and for you. At 16 weeks, we found out that you were a girl! I had a feeling all along and I was right!

Your name was going to be Jane Elizabeth. How beautiful does that sound? Both strong, classic names, timeless, feminine. Our girl was going to be Jane and there was no other name that could quite match it.


At 25 weeks at a routine OB visit checkup and for peace of mind because I had been bleeding the day before, our normal and our plans soon flipped upside down. The OB was concerned because my cervix looked shorter in the ultrasound. And upon checking, I was already 3 centimeters dilated. Dad and I didn't realize what the doctor was saying initially. Some snippets I can hear her saying are: "Shorter cervix. preterm labor. Lungs not developed. If you are going to have the baby you need to get injections to help develop her lungs. Some concerns are bleeding in the brain that could lead to developmental issues. Try to stop the labor if you are contracting. Girls typically do better than boys. I can see your sack bulging"         W A I T!! WHAT? I immediately broke down and started bawling. Was I going to have you at 25 weeks? Would you be ok? Would you survive? Could they stop it? How small would you be? How often does this happen? I had so many questions. My mind was spinning. Daddy was hugging me. 25 weeks, little girl, was NOT part of the plan; not ours anyway. This early dilation, along with the possibility of contractions sent us to the hospital where, after being monitored it was clear that I was in fact contracting. Next thing I know an another hospital where they have a level 3 NICU, which is where you would be if you were delivered prematurely--and survived. Daddy couldn't come on the ambulance ride with me, so as he followed behind I had time to think and I thought to myself.

...Wow. I had so many plans. How easily did I assume things would go my way? Nothing was in my hands. I had no power. This..all of it...from beginning to end was the Lord. He had all the power. He has all the power. His plan. Not ours. Whatever happens is what the Lord ordained would happen. I need to...we need to trust in Him--no matter what. You might be born perfect. You may have serious developmental disabilities. You could have Down Syndrome. You may not live, but you might. Maybe I will go full term. Maybe active labor will kick in and within hours I will have a baby. SO many things could happen. The thing is, my little one, that it didn't happen the way mama and papa planned. It happened the way our heavenly Father planned, for our good and for His glory. His glory, that was and is the most important thing. 

I was in the labor room now. I got an injection in my leg to help mature your lungs if you were born early. I had an IV that let magnesium flow into my system to help prevent bleeding in your brain. Your name would be Mercy--Mercy Heritage. Daddy came up with both names, I just put them together. Though Jane seemed to be the perfect name for you, under our circumstances I saw the beauty in the name Mercy. Our Father, full of mercy and grace loved us so much that while we were still sinners He sent His son, Jesus to die on a cross, in our place, so that we could have eternal life with Him in heaven. We needed mercy. I asked the Lord to have mercy on us and on you. Your middle name, Heritage, is so full of meaning as well. Psalm 127:3 says that children are a heritage from the Lord. In the bigger picture, what an amazing heritage we have because of the mercy and love of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Mercy Heritage would be your name and it couldn't be any more perfect. Though I was able to talk (and many different doctors came to talk to me about things like: what to expect if you were born, breastfeeding, and risks) I was in and out because the magnesium also made mama sleepy and after hours of being in the labor room, no further dilation and my contractions more sporadic and less regular, I was brought up to the Antenatal floor where I would be on bed rest until you arrived.

Bed rest? I could do that. It didn't seem so bad. In fact, it sounded pretty nice. I could sleep as much as I wanted, eat, and rest until you came. Little did I know I would be in bed for a month and two weeks and bed rest is MUCH harder than it sounds.